Artist description The most insane band you will ever come across. The band consists of several core members and the rest of the members rotate in and out whenever they feel like recording new music. So it's always something new and always something different. As for the instruments we play, we'll put it bluntly: If it can emit any kind of sound, chances are we consider it to be an instrument. Oh yeah, did we mention we lie a lot?

Music Style Insane Cynical and Odd Humor set to music.

Musical Influences We aren't influenced, we influence everyone else! That's why we're taking over this planet soon!

Similar Artists All popular artists will be killed by us in the near future. And we don't sound like any of them anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Artist History The History of abbreviated. life. expectancy.abbreviated. life. expectancy.... Mere words cannot express the sheer hilarity that lies behind this ingenious comedic/musical formation. This text is going to dive into a.l.e.'s deep, rich history. Once you are finished with this reading, you will be a much wiser, enriched, and whole person. Perhaps you will even have second thoughts about attending college. So, we begin our tale in the year 1950... abbreviated. life. expectancy. was "born" in 1950 when a group of traveling musicians, got together to play public music for their own personal amusement. The music was quite humorous, and the audiences would come from far and wide to witness the spectacle. The original members of the band were Terrence Besheke on cello, Vincent Blaylack on trombone, Howie Zirkowitz on vocals, Wayne Newson on percussion, and Pepe Maricones on guitar. The lineup of the group has been selectively passed down as the years have passed, but only to a carefully chosen few who were right for the job. First, there were problems amongst the original members of a.l.e. Terrence Besheke and Howie Zirkowitz had a "fall out" over a game of ping-pong. It was game point and Terrence messed up on his serve, but before it hit the floor, he claims to have called "time out!". Howie, enraged, totally disagreed with Terrence and they stopped speaking to each other. After developing "alcoholic tendencies", the members of the band agreed that it was time for Terrence to leave the band. Howie also felt very guilty about this, and decided to prove to himself that he was amongst the world's best ping-pong players. He left the band and pursued his ping-pong dreams. He was never heard from again, but you might have noticed him a few years ago in the blockbuster movie, "Forrest Gump" in one of the ping-pong scenes. So a.l.e., having dwindled down to only Vincent Blaylack, Wayne Newson, and Pepe Maricones, had to either acquire some new talent or break up. These three fellows weren't ready to give up just yet, so they kept on truckin'. The next member to join the band was Alfonso de Mariachi, a friend of Pepe's, whi played the bass. With Alfonso in the band, a.l.e. was ready to take the world by storm with their first world tour. The band hit such hot spots as Calcutta, Nepal, Maine, Canada, Texas, and even the illustrious Chile. Most notable of their tour dates however, was Kentucky. The people of Kentucky like a.l.e. more than they like their fried chicken, and it was because of the response from Kentucky that a.l.e. was launched into super-stardom. After the Kentucky show, a.l.e. was contacted by Doris Shufflebarger, a California newspaper reporter. She wanted to do one of the most in-depth interviews anybody had ever seen. This wasn't going to be just a discussion with a.l.e., the band members were going to have to go through all sorts of physical tests to prove that they were truly THE BEST OF THE BEST. Obviously, a.l.e. accepted the challenge and they booked a flight to L.A. Once they arrived there, Doris informed them that they were first going to appear at "Billy Bob Jenkins' Big Top Circus". Pepe in particular was overly excited because he always had childhood fantasies about "Rungo", the world's strongest man. So a.l.e. stepped into the colliseum with the circus freaks and it would be an experience nobody would soon forget. Soon after the circus fiasco, Pepe and Alfonso quit the band to start a Mariachi band, prompted by the popularity of Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass. Without two core members, a.l.e. decided to play their next few shows acoustically, with lots of humorous mishaps. One of the most popular a.l.e. songs of this time period was called, "I Only Want To Be With You", which was stolen just recently by some band called "Hootie and the Blowfish". a.l.e. was never paid any royalties for the theft of this song, but the current lineup has not forgotten, and takes shots at Hootie on their current release. It was after these acoustic shows mentioned above, however, that abbreviated. life. expectancy went on to their greatest success with the additions of Frank Entenmann and Veloria Guizeppi. Frank Entenmann was already known world-wide for his company, "Entenmann's", which had been making bakery foods such as donuts and pastries since 1898. He was also quite skilled at playing the sitar, and thus was accepted into a.l.e. Veloria Guizeppi had been classically trained in playing the harp since she was only 3 years old. Oddly enough, she adapted a strange method of playing the harp when she lost one of her hands in a horrible train accident. The doctor's had to amputate her hand and they said she was lucky to be able to keep the rest of her arm. Of course, Veloria wasn't going to be able to play her harp with a stub, so she had to adapt a new means of playing it or start playing the triangle. Well, after rigorous efforts, Veloria re-mastered her harp in one of the most amazing displays of dedication the world has ever seen. Veloria Guizeppi was now playing the harp with her right hand, and her left foot! Plucking the strings even faster than when she had both hands, she was truly a force to be reckoned with. It's no wonder that the remaining a.l.e. members jumped at the opportunity to incorporate this prodigy into the band! With the Entenmann's bakery foods and sitar backing up a.l.e. and of course Valoria's mystical harp skills and puritan work ethic, ALE was finally ready to go on their second and largest, full-blown extravaganza of a world tour ever! Their second world tour was cleverly titled "The Around The World In However Many Freaking Days It Takes" tour. This was no ordinary tour where the band played one long set... there was much more than just your average "run of the mill" music being played on stage. a.l.e. incorporated animals, live action fighting scenes, and other hilarious takes on fake satanic rituals into their stage act. It is rumored that Frank Entenmenn lost an eye during one of these silly acts in Cleveland, OH (one of a.l.e.'s favorite cities). Later on in the "Around the World..." tour, Satan himself had a short stint with the band, since Valoria had sold her soul at an opportune moment for a slice of bread. In the end of the tour, the band was starting to fizzle away. The members all hated each other, and the live show had gone to shit, frankly speaking. So the band decided to break up. However, there were millions of fans around the world who refused to let this happen. So, to make a long story short, a.l.e. hand picked 5 mew members to carry on the legacy of what is abbreviated. life. expectancy. Those lucky 5 were Stanley Spadowski (a Cleveland, OH janitor), "Skinny" Willie Menefee, Jethro Tully, Thane Furrows, and Newton Carloughagous. The big question now was whether these 5 could continue the insanity that a.l.e. had maintained all these years. The answer was a surprising "YES!" a.l.e. recorded a brand new "Quadrouple and a Half" LP. That's right, 4 and a half records of A.L.E. It contained some of the most incredible songs of the century. Songs like "Yeah, I Shot the Sheriff. What Are You Gonna Do About it, Tough Guy?", "Why, Yes, I Would Like Another!", and "Sounds Like You Need An Ass Wuppin'" were instant hits among the fans. With song titles as long as this, it was no wonder it took up so many records for just this one album. Nobody knew what was on that last half-record until. a.l.e. played these "mystery tracks" at an unannounced live show in Germany. a.l.e. members decided to appear on some talk shows to promote the new album. Little did a.l.e. know, a tragic accident was going to happen. While a.l.e. was playing another one of their hit songs, "Food Is Tasty", and Valoria Guizeppi appeared out of no where! They were surprised to see her waving at them, but just figured she was there to support the new line up. On the contrary, Valoria was there for a truly evil purpose. She snuck backstage and climbed up into the track-lighting area. Convinced that she was possesed by Satan, Valoria started unscrewing the single bolt that was holding up the entire track lighting section. The lights crashed down onto the a.l.e. set. Sadly, the set wasn't all that was destroyed. a.l.e. members "Skinny" Willie Menefee, Newton Carloughagous, and Jethro Tully were all killed by the track-lighting. Police instantly apprehended Valoria Guizeppi and began to question her. At first, she claimed it was because of Satan that she killed 3 out of the 5 a.l.e. members. But after a severe beating from Stanley Spadowski and his mop, she confessed that it was out of sheer jealousy. Valoria said that Satan didn't work out for her and that the continued success of the new a.l.e. members made her extremely jealous. Jealous enough to kill. Spadowski beat her some more before the cops finally broke it up and dragged away her unconscious body to prison. Spadowski, in tears, did the only other thing he knew how to do. He began mopping up the scene of the murder. Stanley never did get over the murder of his bandmates. Rumor has it, he still is seen mopping in that very same place from time to time. This left a.l.e. with only one member, Thane Furrows, a truly strong willed man who wasn't going to let this murder destroy the greatest band in the world. Thane was going to rebuild a.l.e. with total dedication powered by his uncompromising anger. Thane went back to his home town in Texas, and rounded up some new members down home at the annual "Remember the Alamo" concert. He got "Texas" Pete Johansen, Kyle "Yeehaw" Johnson, and Mickey "Firebird" Whelan to fill in part time, while he searched for some "real" members. During this time, a.l.e. took on more of a cajun flavor, penning such tunes as "Chile Con Carne" and "Tierra Del Mundo" and "Te Gustan Las Calamares?". However, none of the band spoke Spanish, so they did not know the meanings of the titles. Some of the more American songs from this time were "Hell yeah, I'll drink it!" and "You listen here, boy, I'm gonna tell you one more time to get your ass outta here before I get my rifle!", but none of those songs were released. The final song that this spicy lineup recorded together was "Mas Rapido Gueros!", after the recording session was over, Thane could be heard screaming "I'd rather be DEAD!" as he left to start a new a.l.e. "Mas Rapido Gueros!" was also never released. With his fellow Texans not working out, Thane decided to travel to the only place that could possibly have people crazy enough to join the band, Scotland. As soon as Thane got off the plane in Scotland he was attacked with darts and glass bottles. Before falling unconscious, Thane new that he would find the men he needed here. He woke up in a bar full o' Scots, and they bought him a round of drinks for not being mad about the "greeting" he received when he arrived. Thane asked around if anybody could possibly be interested in joining a.l.e. and the response was wonderful. Too wonderful in fact. Everybody in the bar wanted to join, and of course, this caused them to get in a huge barfight. After the brawl was over, the only three men standing were Ian Hachkney, Andee MacGinty, and William Wallace. Thane chose to bring these three lads (along with their pipes and alcohol) back to the United States so that they could begin the newest installment of a.l.e. Thane felt that since it was the mid-70's now, a.l.e. should write some songs about the current events of the time. Their first new song was concerning their utter hatred for hippies, and drugs. The song was aptly titled, "We Hate Hippies and Drugs". The Scotsmen were excited about their first live performance with a.l.e., which was taking place at a peace rally in West Virginia. As soon as Thane announced the title of the new song, there were cries of disapproval from the crowd, before the first bagpipe struck a note, Ian and Andee were in the crowd slugging it out with the hippies, while William topped off his last frothy brew. None of the hippies fought back, of course, so by the time William was into the fight, there were few hippies left to beat. Thane was again the victim of an a.l.e. mishap, as the three Scots were arrested and taken back to their homeland. Thane was stuck in the middle of a hicktown in West Virginia, with no band, and not much hope. Thane decided it was time to let a.l.e. take a breather for a little bit. He thought to himself, "I've been rushing this a.l.e. thing too much. I need to really look for some quality members instead of people who can survive a bar brawl." Thane was under a lot of pressure lately. "I've gotta relax, I'm going crazy..." he said to himself. So, he decided he would join a church for a little while to find some inner-peace in himself so that he might be able to focus on the task at hand: Finding new members for a.l.e. Thane traveled to Philadelphia where he met Father Fetapuchi who took him in as if he were his own son. It was hard being in the church for Thane though, because he did not believe in god. But after a few good whacks on the ass from the local nuns, a beatdown from Father Fetapuchi's friends known as "The Mafia", Thane decided to keep his opinions about god to himself. Thane was finally starting to relax, and while he stayed in the church over the next 7 years, he learned to play the organ quite well. As it turns out, he was learning the organ not to play the song of god, but to play the song of an even higher power. The song of abbreviated. life. expectancy. Thane told Father Fetapuchi about how thankful he was for taking him in and that he hoped he could repay it to him someday. "It's time for me to go now, Father. I have to spread the word of God throughout the land. I can no longer confine myself within the walls of your beautiful church." Now, you and I both know that Thane was lying his ass off to the Father, but Father Fetapuchi did not know this, so we'll just leave it at that. Thane left the church and got himself a snazzy apartment and decided it was high time that a.l.e. got back together. He flipped on the television, and was surprised to see a story on the news called "Where is a.l.e.?" As it turns out the world had been going through many problems due to the rumored break-up of a.l.e. There was a threat of nuclear war between the U.S.A. and the Soviet Union and it was all because everybody thought a.l.e. had broken up! Thane had to put an end to this. He called the news station and said, "Hi, I'm Thane Furrows and I'm here to tell you that a.l.e. is coming back with vengeance very soon! I'D RATHER BE DEAD than let the a.l.e. fans of the world down!" More motivated than ever before, Thane went out to find a fresh new batch of a.l.e. members to play the great music of the 80's. Thane knew there was only one place to go where he could truly find some worthy musicians, and that was to the local music store, in the keyboard section. There he would find some interesting musicians, who could help make a.l.e. a synthesized band, ready to take the 80's by storm. It was at the music store, that Thane met Howard Gilligan, Susan Petty, and Mick Hart. Mick was playing drums, Howard the synthesizer, and Susan the bass. The three had a solid musical foundation going, and Thane was impressed. After talking to the three a while, Thane revealed that he was the sole surviving member of a.l.e. at which the three nearly pounced on him with enthusiasm. They were in. Now, all Thane had to do was find a guitar player, and they would be ready to roll. Thane was walking down the street, heading back to his apartment, and he saw a homeless man playing guitar for money. He was quite good, and he could sing as well. So, Thane asked him if he would be interested in joining abbreviated. life. expectancy. The man agreed, and was happy to help out, and hoped he would be able to eat once again. That man was Peter Thorton, and he would become the driving force in the 80's excursion of a.l.e. At the band's first practice, Thane revealed that he thought it best for the band to think up spiffy new names for themselves, because after all, it was the 80's pop world. So, Thane became simply "T", Mick Hart became "Mick Heart", Howard Gilligan became "Howie Style", Susan Petty became "Blondie" (later stolen by the infamous pop artist of the same nickname), and Peter Thronton became "Rocko". At last, a.l.e. was ready to take the world by storm once again. After writng new songs, the band was offered a tour with Wang Chung. They accepted the offer from Wang Chung with a smile. They were all a bit nervous about going back on the stage in front of a live crowd again. Thane was the only one who even had any experience in front of colliseum-sized crowds, so for the others, it was a real nervewrecker! Well, it was the day before the first tour date with Wang Chung. The a.l.e. members were practicing their asses off. Rocko left the practice room to go and sneak some more food from the fridge (he was still quite hungry after that whole homeless stint). While he was in the fridge he heard the phone ring and started having flashbacks of when he was a kid and lived in a house that actually had a phone. When the flashback ended, Rocko picked up the phone since the rest of the band was still playing and couldn't hear it ringing anyway. On the phone it was none other than Billy Ocean! Billy Ocean was in the prime of his life, having just released his hit single, "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car". Rocko almost fell over, because before he was in a.l.e., he made more money on the streets by playing Billy Ocean songs than all the other artists he played combined! Rocko asked him what he could do for him after regaining his composure. Billy said he was starting a massive tour and wanted a.l.e. to be a part of it. The problem was, it started on the same day as the Wang Chung tour which a.l.e. had already accepted. Rocko told Billy that he'd give him a call back after he discussed it with the other band members. Rocko walked into the practice room with his mouth gaping, and the other a.l.e. members stopped playing. "What?!? What is it Rocko?!?," said Blondie. "Yeah! Speak the word brother!," said Mick Heart. "Lickety Split my good man!," said Howie Style. "I'D RATHER BE DEAD than wait for you to tell us what in the HELL is going on!," said Thane. After each member had said their part, Rocko finally got to tell them about Billy Ocean's offer. The band was dumbfounded. How could they choose between Wang Chung and Billy Ocean? Howie Style stood up and said, "Wait! I've been working on a song that is dedicated to Billy Ocean! This must mean we were meant to tour with him and not Wang Chung!" The others thought it was a stupid reason, but agreed on it nonetheless because they didn't want to sit at "The ol' round table" and argue over it for hours. So, Howie Style taught the band "Song Dedicated to Billy Ocean". After they learned the song, they decided it needed a better name. Thane, as usual, had another great idea. "Let's call it, GET OUT OF MY CAR, AND STAY OUT!!! because that'll make people think of Billy Ocean!," he prophesized! They all loved the title and it would later become the backbone for the revival of a.l.e. on tour. Someone had to break the news to Wang Chung though, and nobody wanted to do it. They decided to draw straws. Right off the bat, Rocko ate his straw, so he was just sent back into the kitchen to eat some more real food. In the end, Mick Heart had the unfortunate task of making the dreaded call to Wang Chung. But Mick Heart was becoming a "flaming 80's rock bastard" anyway, and he just put on his macho facade and acted all tough on the phone. "Yeah that's right man! We're touring with someone else! ... Who are you callin' a faggot!? ... Man, you're lucky we're not touring with you or I'd kick your little Wang Chung asses from here to kingdom come!" These were just a few of the things Mick shouted on the phone. When he hungup he called them a bunch of "wankers" and said that they (Wang Chung) were extremely pissed off and vowed to kill a.l.e. if they ever saw them in person. So, with a new mortal enemy and a great tour about to be launched, a.l.e. was obviously going to be taking the world by storm for the umpteenth time. Rocko decided that it would be hilarious if a.l.e. were to wite another new song before the tour... a song that would put Wang Chung in their place. Rocko picked up his "axe" and penned the song right there on the spot. It was a song called "Everybody Wang Chung tonight? I don't think so, I'd rather be strapped to the back of a Greyhound bus that was being rammed from behind by a steamroller on a sunny 90 degree Tuesday afternoon in rush hour!" Despite the long song title, that very tune become a big hit on college radio later that year when Wang Chung mysteriously disappeared, after having cancelled their tour. After all, with only one popular song, and no a.l.e. to support them, who could pull off a big tour? So it was off to tour the world with Billy Ocean, and boy were the plans big. At the first rehearsal for the tour, Billy Ocean was so impressed with the new a.l.e. lineup that he asked them to be the headlining band! a.l.e.. was more than happy to take over the spotlight for the first time in a handful of years. The first show took place at the "Pavillion de Pavillion" in California. Billy Ocean's set was spectacular. He came out on stage in an old baby-blue cadillac with a mic attached to the steering wheel. He sang "Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" with all of his heart and the crowd loved it. Funny thing is, Billy Ocean never announced an opening band to the masses at any point, so they just figured it was a Billy Ocean set. Imagine the sheer AWE in the eyes of the hundreds of thousands of fans when they were informed by Billy Ocean that abbreviated. life. expectancy. was really the headlining band! Many of the girls fainted, and even a few guys. Well, the members of a.l.e. all kneeled down and were ready to pray for their first show when Thane interjected. "What the hell are you doing?!? Didn't you learn from the tales of my church experiences??? That prayer stuff is for fairies! Get your asses on the stage! It's time to play!" The rest of the a.l.e. members agreed and headed for the stage. Thane had to drag Rocko onto the stage though. See, Rocko had apparently had another one of his "feeding frenzies" and began munching on the leg of Billy Ocean's drunken lead guitarist. Since the upper-half was still intact, Thane just shrugged it off and even Billy Ocean got quite a chuckle out of it. Now the show was really ready to begin as a.l.e. emerged from backstage to appear for before the most eager crowd in history. When a.l.e. hit the stage, Thane thought it best to open up with an oldie, but a goodie, so they played their old, unreleased hit "Mas Rapido Gueros". An underground bootleg copy of "Mas Rapido Gueros" (which was found to be translated as "much faster whiteboys!!!") had spread across the country like wildfire, and the crowd knew every word by heart. Thane was very pleased. After a hearty two hour set, including such newer songs as "Coke is It" (later adopted as the Coca-Cola catch phrase), "Pizza: It's Good", and the ever popular "Choke on it, Hippie", a.l.e. decided to end their fifth encore with a soulful rendition of their first ballad, "Spumous Erubescent Death". The crowd left with their money's worth, and could not even remember who Billy Ocean was. Thus a.l.e. had ended the careers of two 80's artists, Wang Chung, and the over-generous Billy Ocean. After the show, a.l.e. decided to make a risky decision, that could have bene the biggest mistake of their career, or the greatet thing to ever happen to the band. They decided to milk their new found fortune for all it was worth. The made t-shirts, stickers, hats, socks, shoes, fruit bars, cassettes, cd's, records, toasters, carpet, bagels, sheets, "prune swirl" pudding snacks, shower curtains, everything you could think of with the a.l.e. logo on it. They struck it rich, and big. After getting rich beyond their wildest dreams, the bands settled down. They released one final cassette demo, called "We'll be back, chumps..." And then they disappeared. It is rumored that the kids of the band continued to make music for the next ten years. But by the time 1996 rolled around, it was time for the new, improved, and crazier than ever a.l.e. to make their big comeback... All of the old a.l.e. members decided to retire. Rocko really didn't want to, but Thane told him, "Rocko, you've got a lot of money now, why don't you go catch up on some of that eatin' that you've missed out on for so many years..." Rocko got all excited and rode off into the sunset on his red skooter which he purchased directly from the "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" television show (complete with helmet). Rocko hasn't been heard from since. With the other members retired, Thane decided to retire himself from a.l.e. as well. Before he did this, he vowed to find some new members to continue the true spirit of a.l.e. Thane decided that he would go searching for new band members in a totally different way: through the world wide web. Thane did a search on the yahoo search engine for "Crazy idiots who are completely insane" and the search engine came up with three results. Their names were as follows:-RoG-Nat AsevoliEvanderhoëf RolnichekThese three just happened to be the best of friends who had been doing all sorts of odd musical things together since they were little tykes! Thane check out the info on them in the FBI's files and knew that they were the perfect ones for the job. He contacted them and they were more than willing to take over a.l.e. But on their terms! They wanted a.l.e. to start from scratch using a 4-track recorder for their first album ever. No big recording studios, no label, no fans, no nothing. Thane agreed and thought it would be good to give a.l.e. a fresh new start. They all shook hands and Thane went on to pursue a career in Hollywood. He eventually got to star in the greatest film of all time, "High Strung", which is only rented by a.l.e. members and a.l.e. fans. So -RoG-, Nat, and Evanderhoëf formed their own studio in a basement. They had a little 4-track, a pair of broken headphones (which were often used as a microphone), a bunch of instruments and gadgets that could make noise and a cheap computer. They decided that although they were to be the three core members of a.l.e., that they needed to incorporate some other people into the band. They looked to their friends. There were too many of their friends to list, so the condensed version consists of: Mr. TJesusLucas "The Marine Who Could Kill You All" HanbackPee-Wee HermanWil TowlesMacon FurrPaul TsongasJohn TeixieraJosh 'n Jessie (two siamese twins)Bill "the thrill" Carterand Phil Rudd After recording the tape, the band sold all of the remaining copies, and made a second run of tapes, which are currently being sold all over the place for a measley $2.50 or less, depending on where you find them. A bunch of them were sold at a fake protest at a Marilyn Manson concert to a bunch of stupid goth kids who really just had no clue about what they were buying. Bootleg copies are floating around, but they are by no means as horrible as the original, so be sure to get the real deal. a.l.e. is here, and they're here to stay. That's right, you NEED to buy a tape. You WANT to buy a tape. You MUST HAVE a copy of abbreviated. life. expectancy. "Songs You've Never Heard Before". So preparation is your only salvation, because they're going to destroy your town, someday, somehow...

Group Members Core members:-RoG-Evanderhoëf RolnichekLucas "The Marine who could kill you all" HanbackNat AsevoliVodka Smirnoffetc...Other members:Probably you... as we said, we have lots of members rotating in and out of the band whenever they feel like recording with us.

Instruments Vocals of some sort, guitars, drums, horns, strings, pots and pans, samples, keyboards/piano, effects processors.

Albums We've too many to name here, but our most recent albums are:

Press Reviews "Hilarious music, great design & lyrics, and best of all, they sell it cheap since they produce/print it all themselves!" -The Richmond Music Journal"These guys called me up at 1am to remind me that I was supposed to interview them. So I am convinced that they are totally insane, and I love 'em for it!" -Jeff, Dreamless zine.

Additional Info We are going to be appearing on several cd compilations in the near future. One in Canada, others here in the USA. Stay tuned to the web site at http://www.I-Mockery.com

Location Philadelphia, PA - USA

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