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February 14, 2002:
To show his undying love, Bill Gates "licenses" five MP3.com artists and has them tortured for the pleasure of wife, Michael Robertson. "My Billy really knows what makes me happy" says Robertson. "The only thing I enjoy more than watching artists getting tortured is torturing them myself."
January 1, 2002:
Michael Robertson checks into a San Diego hospital after husband Bill Gates finds him/her passed out on the lawn. Reports reveal that this may be the result of Robertson actually getting fucked BY an artist. This strange event turns the Indie Music world on end.
December 24, 2001:
After a brief quiet period, Bill Gates and wife, Michael Robertson, come down from their mountain hideout and steal Christmas. One witness reports hearing Robertson scream at a starving artist, "That'll teach you to complain about MP3.com fucking the artists."
October 10, 2001:
Following their short engagement, Bill Gates and his new wife, Michael Robertson, go on a 28-day honeymoon where they tour a Guatemalan sweatshop and club baby seals for sport.
September 14, 2001:
Just 10 days after his/her operation, Michael Robertson is "propositioned" by Bill Gates. "I think we could be a power couple" gleams Gates. "We can learn from each other and eventually rule the world. Besides, since the operation, he/she has a nice ass."
September 4, 2001:
Michael Robertson sells soul to the devil in exchange for a successful sex change, which does nothing to stop MP3.com from fucking the artists. "I'm a little sore," says Robertson, "but I have some one fucking the artists for me until I heal."
July 4, 2001:
MP3.com celebrates the freedoms our nation's founders fought for by fucking everyone. Condoms are used but only after dipping them in sand. "We think of it as a new feature," explains Michael Robertson, "but we are aware that some artists won't like it. Fortunately, we don't care about the artists."
May 4, 2001:
Under the veil of "adding more features", MP3.com lies about it costing $3.99 to make a CD, introduces the "netCD" and continues to fuck it's content providers.
April 1, 2001:
Disguised as a possible April Fool's day prank, MP3.com introduces the "optional" PAS and takes "fucking the artist" to a new level. Now artists will not get paid for their content unless they first pay MP3.com. Some question the legality of this but are cleverly given the brush off by being told, "If you don't like it, you can leave."
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