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Lyrics
MUSTARD CUP TRANSIT SYSTEM
All aboard.
Tickets please.
Please, remove your pants.
It came through our town, each and every day
Zooming along in the fastest way.
The people would wave - They'd pass us by
Man oh man could that train sure fly.
A dollar a ride or so I'd heard
But to me that sounded a bit absurd.
It had to be more so I believed
'til the day came that I got on for free.
My muscles got tight as I sat and stared
Where we would go I hardly cared
The conductor boarded and took the mic
He said,
"I'm your Captain, my name is Ike."
The door it closed and I heard a noise
Not like the trains I had for toys.
But far, far louder a deafening roar
I'd never heard nothing like it before.
The titanium wheels they started to turn-
The fuel in the engine began to burn-
Gradually we started to roll
200 knots was our target goal.
Before I knew it the station was gone
Out my window were fine trimmed lawns.
Lights and trees and traffic signs
Flew by us in Blurried lines.
Ike came on and said,
"Hello, faster and faster and faster we'll go.
But don't be afraid, everything's just fine,
if we need to, we could stop on a dime."
But I wish I'd stayed at home that day
You see Ike was depressed and had bills to pay.
He stayed on the gas and wouldn't let up
He was going to crash the Mustard Cup.
I began to sweat I figured out his plan
Now was the time to make a stand.
I got out of the chair and shouted a plea
"Someone! Anyone! Come with me!"
No one moved I was on my own
To save this train I would act alone
I got up and ran to the engine car
But Ike would not let me get far.
He had bolted the door - Wouldn't let me through
What was there for me to do?
I yanked at the knob - Trying to get in
And I broke it off with adrenaline
The door opened wide and there inside
Was Ike committing suicide...
"You're all gonna die. The train will crash.
In the twisted wreck they'll find my ash."
I yanked all the plugs and pulled the break
300 lives had been put at stake.
But it was too late 'cause there and now
On the tracks had stumbled a cow.
[moooo]
We smashed it to bits and started to twist
I flew 7 feet and smashed my wrist.
The train careened off into a school
I vomited, cried, and wiped my drool.
But we didn't last long in the burning fire
Our screams rang out in our funeral pyre.
400 kids and 300 of us
Wiped out the school, a cow, and a bus.
So I tell you this tale - As a ghost
Beware the Mustard, coast to coast
It sounds like a deal - One you might like
But beware of the ghost conductor Ike.
Beware of the ghost conductor Ike -
Beware of the ghost conductor Ike
©1997 Irritating Rainbow. From the album "Hockle Peachers"
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