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Dark song about my Father and the emotional toll it took on me. |
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Story Behind the Song
The song began to be written over 15 years ago when I was staying over at my Dads house and was completely finished, and recorded Tuesday, January 8, 2002.
I had just gotten a brand new Kramer striker guitar that I had saved my own money for and I brought it over to his house for that weekend. When I got it over there he said, “Let me hear you play something” so I picked up the guitar and played the two songs I knew (and I use the word “knew” lightly). The songs were the theme from Peter Gunn and Smoke on the Water. They were played out of rhythm while I clumsily slid a single finger up and down a single string to pick out the tunes. I wanted so badly for him to be impressed even though I knew it wasn’t impressive. He turned to me and said “yeah I know a lot of people that can play parts of a song, that’s not that hard, hell I bet I can even play a part of a song, it’s when you can know a song all the way through that means something”.
I was wrecked, but still determined to show my Dad that I could impress him with it. I had a pack of new guitar strings so I proceeded to restring my guitar for the first time. Due to the fact that I wasn’t aware how to string the guitar, I broke all but one string putting it on. He came in and saw the broken strings all over the place and said “well that’s o.k. You only use one fucking string when you play anyway”. I put the guitar down and proceeded to clean up the mess.
Later that night after my Dad had retired to his bedroom, I got up and got the guitar. I did a cheap ass rig job on one of the strings so it could be re-strung. I got out my tuner and tuned the only two strings on my guitar. They were the G and D strings. The two string in the center of the guitar. I sat the guitar on my lap and began the challenge I had given myself. The challenge was to write a small melody using two strings. After an hour or so I had it. A 10 second little note progression that seemed to also convey my emotion at the time. It had a dark and lonely feel and even though I had accomplished my goal, my emotional state remained unchanged. Unknowingly to me then, I had just written the first 23 seconds to the song that was to be called ‘daddy’.
Over the years my playing improved and I worked hard on it. I tried at one point taking guitar lessons and was told, “my hands are too small, and I will never learn to play the guitar well”. But I think that it pushed me to try harder and be better. Playing guitar and writing songs became my way of expressing thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t express any other way. The funny thing is I never let anyone hear anything that I wrote, but it still made me feel better.
It was a little over eight years after I had written that small melody at your house that it was about to become part of something greater.
About a month after our wedding while my wife and I were waiting for our house to be built, we were asked to house sit for my Mom while they were out of town for a week. One night over there after my wife had gone to bed it all hit me and hit me hard. I didn’t like who I was. I had become the source of so many peoples pain. I had lied and hurt so many through mental games and manipulation. I was cruel and short tempered at times. I began to see a lot in me that I used to see in you. The saying things with no cruel intent and totally wrecking some one with out knowing it. It was then I thought “daddy I hope you’re happy, I’ve become just like you”. I sat there, by myself and began to play that little melody that I wrote over at your house. The song, lyrics, melody and all flowed like nothing else I had ever written and I knew that it was the purest song that I had ever composed.
I played the song acoustically for myself often. I made efforts to record it several times but I never did it. It was too weird to have it in a tangible form and too emotional to record with other people. At the time I had no recording equipment so I would have to borrow some bodies and they would say “hey let me hear what you did” or try and stick around for the recording.
I remember the emotions and I can transport myself back to the day I wrote that song and relive that feeling. It is my favorite song that I have written.
Lyrics
DADDY I HOPE YOUR HAPPY
I'VE BECOME JUST LIKE YOU
AND THOUGH YOU CANNOT SEE ME NOW
I FEAR THAT YOU'D BE PROUD
TO SEE THE PAIN I CAUSE
SEE THE HEARTS THAT I'VE TORE
TO SEE THE ONES I HURT
TO SEE I CAN NOT LIVE WITH MYSELF ANYMORE
THE DAYS HAVE FALLEN BLACK
AND THE NIGHT, PURE PAIN
I CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST
THE MEMORIES REMAIN
DADDY I HOPE YOUR SMILING
AS I DO THE THINGS I DO
AND THE ONE THING I KNOW
IS THE ACTIONS STEM FROM YOU
WON'T YOU COME SEE ME
AND THE MESS I CALL MY LIFE
AND EXPLAIN TO ME YOUR THINKING
SO I CAN EXPLAIN IT TO MY WIFE
MY FRIEND SPEAKS OF HIS FATHER
AND ALL THE THINGS HE'D LIKE TO ASK
BUT HIS DADDY'S TIME WAS SHORT
AND SO HIS DADDY'S LIFE HAS PASSED
IF I THOUGHT YOU'D BELIEVE ME
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU THIS
WHY'D YOU CONDEMN ME TO THIS FATE
AND ALL THE THINGS IN TURN I'LL MISS
'CAUSE I'M AS HOLLOW
AS THE MOANING TREE'S
THAT SCREAM MY PAIN
THROUGH THE MIDNIGHT BREEZE
IN COLD WINTERS RAIN
BUT DADDY'S PROUD
I HOPE YOUR PROUD
BUT DADDY'S PROUD
I HOPE YOUR PROUD
MY DADDY'S PROUD
MY DAD IS PROUD
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