Story Behind the Song
Pregnancy is always a special time in a woman's life. It is a time when the whole family looks forward to the joys a new life will bring into the home. But not all stories end in the blissful way in which they begin. This is our story - one of maternal anticipation turned to fear and devestation, and then onto courage, hope, and trust.
Some years ago, my husband and I had a baby girl who we were going to name "Bethany" - after the place in the Bible that Jesus went to rest and be with his closest friends.
We had two older children, aged 6 and 4. I was overdue for this baby by a few days, but unconcerned. My abdomen was small too, but my previous baby was 8lb, 7oz, and I was not large with her either.
I never had an ultrasound for any of my pregnancies - I'd never needed one. So, when during a routine "non stress test" the doctor decided the baby's heart rate was too irregular, I was still not concerned for her safety.
But I panicked when he announced an emergency C-section for me. I'd never before had surgery. I thought they were overreacting, and I suppose in retrospect, they were. But how could anyone have known what would happen? Now I wonder how differently things could have turned out if I'd had an ultrasound and had discovered earlier that our baby was "anon cephalic". Her brain did not develop, and even the back of her head did not form properly.
All of this was discovered only after surgery. I do believe that my subconscious heard the reactions in the operating room, because as I was waking, I knew within me that something was wrong.
The physical pain was like nothing I'd experienced before. Not even the most intense labour pains could match it. And then began the emotional pain. Bethany was perfect in every other way, but she could not survive. She lived 15 hours, and during those hours I was in shock, drugged and in pain, and trying to grasp the reality of the situation my mind desperately wanted to reject.
The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was say goodbye to the baby I'd only just met. I had no choice but to leave that tiny casket on the altar at the hospital memorial service the next day. It was only the loving support of my husband, my family, and my friends alloweing me the freedom to grieve that enabled me to leave that room, leaving behind the baby that should have been in my arms and at my breast.
More than that, it took a conscious decision to take my eyes off myself and my grief, and lift them up to Jesus, and lay it all before Him. That decision became a real turning point for me.
As the others sang "Set my spirit free that I may worship Thee" in the service, I discovered that I was able to sing, too.
While I had no strength of my own - niether physically nor spiritually nor emotionally - I did have the ability to make a decision. I could not carry the burden alone. No human could. But Jesus was there. I felt His presence - not tangibly, but through His word, through the music, and through my family.
As I sang these words:
"Set my spirit free that I may worship thee...
Set my spirit free that I may praise thy name...
Let all bondage go and let deliverance flow...
Set my spirit free to worship thee..."
I knew that song was for me. God knew and I knew that the only way I could leave that little casket and that service with nothing in my arms but grief would be to let the burden of my sorrow fall into His arms. I knew that in my spirit, and I made the decision to trust Him. It was the hardest decision in my life to make, but as soon as I gave up my own will, I knew I was set free.
As only a mother can know, before that moment, I could not have been able to leave that room or my baby willingly. I simply could not let go.
To this day, I find people all around who have lost children or other loved ones who have not been able to emotionally let go of that person, who have never said "Goodbye."
As the end of the memorial service approached, my husband Alex and I lay our hands on the tiny coffin, for the first and last time. I knew then that in the power of God's loving strength, I could let go and release her to her Lord.
I turned to my father and smiled. I could smile through my tears because I knew it was God who enabled me to let go of this little life, and go on with my own. Years later, my father told me through his own tears that he was so proud of me that day. What he does not understand is that what took place had nothing to do with my own abilities - just that one decision.
My family and I continued to grieve. Even now, there are times that the memories seem fresh, and they are overpowering. At times, I still cry. However, this is all part of a healing process, as is tellng my story.
There were other avenues of healing, such as the journal I kept from the beginning. I was encouraged to write a letter to my baby. Heartfelt and anguished, it was my start. Journal entries were detailed and intense. Over time, the entries lessened in both frequency and intensity.
I also recorded my struggles with my faith as I desperately tried to find the answers to the constant question: "Why?" A year or so later, I came to a place where I could forgive God.
I had to come to that space in my walk with God where I could say to Him "I will never understand why you allowed Bethany to die, but I forgive you for allowing her to be taken from me."
God knows and understands our humanity. He knows our expressions of anger, frustration, and bitterness, and He isn't threatened when we have those feelings towards Him - when we are honest with him. It may sound like a strange concept - God is sovereign, and certainly does not need forgiveness as we do. But I needed to take that step, and He understood.
This is a song I wrote several years after Bethany came to us - at a time when I could reflect on her life in just such a way as this... our "Little Pink Rose" was created.
Lyrics
A little pink rose basks in the sun
Blossoms of beauty, new life is begun
Baby's breath, and a stem so tender
Joy has arrived, and she is the sender
But even sharp thorns can't protect her forever
Plucked from a secret garden, her life she surrenders
Her stem now is cut, new life it is fading
We'll love her today, come shadows of shading
But oh, can't you see what she means to me
I cannot face what the morning light brings
Another desires what I cannot keep
Little Pink Rose, once you were mine
But now I weep
Now there is a place where pink roses bloom
There sunshine is endless, sweet garden at noon
Her new life it begins, in His hands, the Creator
Joy sprinkled with bliss, timeless love awaits her
And isn't it worth it, oh, shouldn't we smile
Our chance to love her if for only a while
We drank in her beauty, life's fragrance of love
Our Little Pink Rose, our gift from above
Oh, can't you see what she means to me
I cannot bear what the morning light brings
Another desires what I cannot keep
Little Pink Rose, once you were mine
Little Pink Rose, oh, Little Pink Rose...
You're still my rose.
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