Story Behind the Song
A friend had this hamster which, instead of using the wire wheel, kept climbing over the axel bar, running around to the other side then going over it again. And again, and again, and again [over 200 times in onc round, once, by my count]. So I told him that he had a neurotic hamster. To which he replied that I had a dog that smoked dope. It went from there.
Lyrics
Mister, you’ve got a neurotic hamster,
And a dog that’s smoking dope.
There was a time, when they were fine;
But now there is no hope.
I’d venture to say domestic life is where their trouble’s at.
I guess they reached their breaking point; something’s finally snapped.
Can’t say’s I really blame them:
They’ve not got much to do.
Just eat and sleep and lie on laps
Of scummy shits like you [and you, and you, and you]
When they’re hungry they come to you, expecting to get fed.
But you’re so dense, you stupid git, you kicked them both instead.
When you finally fed them, you gave them plastic food.
So is it any wonder, eh? they treat you like they do.
It’s a neurotic hamster,
And a dog that’s smoking dope.
It’s a neurotic hamster, baby!
And not, a twisted joke.
They say your place is a Looney bin, which most would all agree;
The only house in the world with such a menagerie.
Look at Polly parrot, he’s a hip and swinging cat.
As for the cat, well look around back,
He’s out there doing smack.
The goldfish are all on acid.
Your python’s snorting a line.
The man next door, he beats his wife;
Just to waste some time.
The cows in the yard are on their guard,
Against a horny bull.
The sheeps are freaks who think they’re neat,
Because they smoke their wool.
The bugs you have are also strange:
The flies are all on whites.
And as for me, I sit at home,
Thinking what to write.
You have a neurotic hamster, Sir!
And a dog that’s smoking dope.
That’s all there is, there ain’t no more;
At least that’s what I hope.
Copyright 1986, All rights reserved.
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